I have six beautiful daughters. They are growing up so fast! I’m a little intimidated about raising them in a world where the likes of Britney Spears, J-Lo, and Madonna are flashed across magazine covers wearing clothing that degrades. THAT IS NOT WHAT I WANT FOR MY DAUGHTERS! Does modesty need to be a thing of the past? I answer an emphatic NO!
The women I sited above are the extremes in immodesty. It is the subtle hints of immodesty here and there – in a McDonald’s Happy Meal toy, Barbie dolls, Disney Princesses – that are a cause of concern for me. It is also increasingly difficult to find modest clothing in stores, even for a four year old!
I was talking to a good friend on Sunday. He is single, 26, a really good man, but very discouraged. “Is it too much to ask a woman to dress modestly? Does she not think enough of herself? The tightness of clothing worn by some women is very disturbing. Why wear anything at all if it’s going to be that tight?”
His questions reminded me of a quote by Dallin H. Oaks. Elder Oaks was initially talking to the men of our church about the evils of pornography but then he added this warning to the women, “And women, please understand that if you dress immodestly, you are magnifying this problem by becoming pornography to some of the men who see you.” (Dallin H. Oaks, “Pornography,” Ensign, May 2005, 87)
Being modest in dress is important to me. I’m trying to teach my daughters that you “choose your clothing the way you would choose your friends—in both cases choose that which improves you and would give you confidence standing in the presence of God. Good friends would never embarrass you, demean you, or exploit you. Neither should your clothing.” (To Young Women by Jefferey R. Holland)
The word modesty means “measured”. It also means:
1. the quality of being modest; freedom from vanity, boastfulness, etc.
| 2. | regard for decency of behavior, speech, dress, etc. |
| 3. | simplicity; moderation. |
Modesty does not just apply to clothing. It also applies to thought, language, and behavior. In Corinthians we learn “Know ye not that ye are the temple of God, and that the Spirit of God dwelleth in you? If any man defile the temple of God, him shall God destroy; for the temple of God is holy, which temple ye are” (1 Corinthians 3:16-17) What would happen if we all treated our bodies as temples?
“The result would be a dramatic increase in chastity, modesty, observance of the Word of Wisdom, and a similar decrease in the problems of pornography and abuse, for we would regard the body, like the temple, as a sacred sanctuary of the Spirit. Just as no unclean thing may enter the temple, we would be vigilant to keep impurity of any sort from entering the temple of our bodies.
Likewise, we would keep the outside of our bodily temples looking clean and beautiful to reflect the sacred and holy nature of what is inside, just as the Church does with its temples. We should dress and act in ways that reflect the sacred spirit inside us.” I love that quote from Susan W. Tanner’s talk Sanctity of the Body.
The way we dress is a reflection of what we are on the inside. As a mother I’m trying hard to set a good example for my daughters to follow. I want them to feel good about who they are, to be accepting of themselves, including their body shape. Beyond just the way they dress, I want my daughters to be modest inside, to develop an inner beauty of spirit that glows in their outward appearance. I want them to feel confident as daughters of God.
Our beloved prophet, President Gordon B. Hinckley expressed how I feel perfectly. He said, “Woman is God’s supreme creation. Only after the earth had been formed, after the day had been separated from the night, after the waters had been divided from the land, after vegetation and animal life had been created, and after man had been placed on the earth, was woman created; and only then was the work pronounced complete and good.
Of all the creations of the Almighty, there is none more beautiful, none more inspiring than a lovely daughter of God who walks in virtue with an understanding of why she should do so, who honors and respects her body as a thing sacred and divine, who cultivates her mind and constantly enlarges the horizon of her understanding, who nurtures her spirit with everlasting truth.” (“Our Responsibility to Our Young Women)
Oh, how I wish that all women of the world could come to know that for themselves! Can you imagine what a difference it would make in our homes, communities, nations, the world?
I may not be able to affect the world’s view on this issue but I can teach my daughters and son to value modesty. I can teach them that they do not have to follow the immodest fashions of the world in order to feel good about themselves. I can teach them that modesty does matter. It is important.
This is repost with some editing of an older post I published last year. I redid this to be a part of Jen’s Self-Esteem Carnival. You can read the comments from the earlier post here.
Well-put. I especially like the Dallin H Oaks quote.
I hear ya!! Just this week my girls have said that they noticed everyone is wearing strappy clothes (without the tshirt underneath – they always wear a white tshirt under if it doesnt have sleeves) they said it is because it is hot here and people want to be cooler so we had a wonderful discussion on modesty in the car and even came up with good answers on their own!! YAY for me
I said that it is wrong to dress like that we wear sleeves and skirts to our knees and that dont you think they would get sunburnt? for starters
we have very fair skin and I am also bothered by the sunburn factor… Australia has the highest rate of skin cancer in the world.. I definately think this could be attributed to the skimpy clothes people wear 10 months out of the year as winter is not really cold here.
It would be interesting to see the stats for skincancer amongst LDS.. surely modesty is also preventing disease amongst other things
and my pet hate is clothes shopping the clothes i can afford from TArget here and Big W (kinda like a small walmart) are terrible skimpy for girls.. I was shorts shopping for my 7 year old and they were all hot pant style.. how cheap for little girls!! It really is terrible when you think about it.. I have heard about some univeristy studies about the oversexualisation of children through advertising and clothes.. it might make for some interesting reading
whoops.. too long…obviously I have too much to say 🙂
I have a nine year old granddaughter and I worry for the same reasons. It pleases me that my DIL is very conscious that my little Angel’s “belly” doesn’t show! She dresses her in ladylike attire, in which I mean nothing tight, nothing skimpy, well made slacks and jeans and no shimmery tops…I hope you are successful with your girls, so hard in this day and time when you can’t watch tv with your children because of the filth that has leaked onto the airwaves (2 and 1/2 Men as an example has a CHILD as part of the cast…)
Oh well…congrats on the Post of the Day mention, by the way!
Sandi
‘ve been thinking about posting something likethis because I read something on Mary Sorensen’s blog about leggings and how they are inappropiate for church. Thanks!!!
Well said Cocoa! We started discussing respect for peers with our oldest son (10) about a year ago. We want him to understand and comprehend the importance of his demeanor and treatment toward his peerage, especially the girls. Our 4 year old daughter wears her older brother’s hand me down pants because they actually cover her bottom and hips, unlike the girls’ fashions available today. Lacy undergarments have their place and purpose, but they should remain undergarments! Not become outerwear. Thanks for your great post.
When the longer t-shirts for layering became available, somehow the idea that because one was “covered”…one was modest.
What about vaccum-wrapped tightness?! Modesty isn’t just about showing or not showing skin. Those t-shirts are cut smaller because they were meant to be layered and UNDER regular clothing. Using them as regular shirts defeats a modest purpose as well.
I also have a personal pet peeve with pregnant women in suck tight clothing and short dresses. Yes, your pregnant body is beautiful.
That doesn’t excuse modesty.
Great post Cocoa!
We are teaching our sons (6,4,1) about modesty and pornography. One day an ad for JCPenney or something similar came in the mail and it featured bras. My six year old brought it to me and said, Mom, these are bad pictures. I’m throwing it away.”
I’m so glad that we have started talking about these issues while they are young so it won’t be foreign as they get older.
I couldn’t agree more with your post!
I also like the idea of teaching our sons that a girl that dresses modestly is the kind of girl to bring home. 😀
My girls use ModBods, and we don’t subscribe to the two sizes too small shirts, jeans, etc.
What a wonderful post! Thank you! As the mother of a 13 year old daughter, modesty is a topic that gets a lot of attention at our home. Have you read “A Return to Modesty; Discovering the Lost Virtue” by Wendy Shalit? So informative- especially about what the sexualization of our society’s children does to the wonder and beauty that relationships should have. Thanks again!
Amen!
We buy lots of our girls clothing from Hanna Andersson & Lands End. Its expensive, but I want to support them in their decision to keep girls dressed modestly! I haven’t found that as a prevalent theme in any other retail store.
I loved the comment about vacuum packed tightness! ;o) That would describe about 1/2 of the wards I’ve lived in during the past three years. I just cringe when I see the primary and yw’s leaders dressed like this, and sometimes I feel like just going home and doing church there…
Thanks for joining the carnival!
I hate that 90% of the clothing in the stores for 4 year olds is “porn for pedophiles”.
Wonderful comments here. I second the opinion on “A Return to Modesty”. I’m reading it again for the 2nd time.
I love, love, love this post! I couldn’t agree with you more. I was amazed when after two boys, I found that I have to get my daughter’s shirts a size bigger so they’re not skin-tight or baring her stomach. Her dresses have to be one size bigger to be long enough, and I have to be careful of too-tight pants—this at age three. THREE!
She loves Dora the Explorer and it’s hard to find a shirt where Dora is modest! Even though I don’t subscribe to letting her have everything with a character on it, (because I hate supporting the commercialism) I do let her have an occasional shirt. Same with Disney Princesses. I stay away from the things that display pictures of heaving bosoms.
I don’t understand why mothers won’t protect their little girls (and boys!) as best as they can. This includes dressing them modestly. I hate it when I see little girls all vamped up.
Don’t even get me started on women in the church wearing clothes so tight, they’d be better off wearing a loose tank top. (Said tongue in cheek, obviously.)
i don’t mind the fitted clothes–some ladies look good in them–definitely not good on a big person though. what i don’t like are the short skirts (even those just above the knees). when the ladies sit down or bend down, it’s like ouch. ugly.
You are SO right about the mild, seemingly innocent influences.
A couple months ago my 3 year old daughter pulled her shirt down to expose her shoulders which surprised me and my husband (she only has older brothers and a younger sister). My husband wondered where she learned to do that. I was clueless because we don’t have t.v., watch Disney movies or buy dolls like that, etc.
I started going through her toys and found the culprit. She had just received a Disney princess tea set for her birthday the week prior and there were a couple pictures of princesses on the plates baring their shoulders. I peeled off all the stickers and threw them out right away. She hasn’t tried showing off her shoulders since.
So true. So true. My daughter and I talk about modesty often. She gets it and I hope that it will stay that way. But I guess it’s a lot easier of a battle now (at 5 years old) than it will be for her in high school.
I’m with Meg on those under shirts. I think in theory they are good but it lets too many of us cross the line and excuse ourselves because we are “covered”
There is need to find a balance though Joseph F Smith stated:
Good women should have fashions of their own. We don’t believe in appearing dowdy or queer, but do insist that a woman’s clothes should express her character- not her lack of it
One more tip – before heading out the door I look myself over in front of the mirror and if I can’t comfortably say: “I am a representative of Jesus Christ” then I change. It may be too tight, too trendy, too worn out, or even just needs to be washed or ironed. All these things can distract from who I really am and what I want others to perceive of me.
Great job in teaching them modesty and get them sewing!!!!!!!!
My 7 year old is the first to point out when something on TV is immodest- I think we may have gone too far the other way, but she always dresses modest and has stopped asking to wear ‘other’ types of clothes.
My biggest problem is with some LDS people who wear things that show cleavage to church- or who let their daughters show cleavage at church, and at the schools when the weather is warm- so what if you have an awesome bod- the children do not need to see it! and that is in Utah!
*takes deep breath*
So yeah, I am charged about this post- thanks for all the cool insights and church references on it… it is nice to know I am not the only one dealing with this for my girls— and boy
I loved this post the first time I read it … and I still love it! And thanks for teaching your son about modesty as well 🙂 !!
Thank you for this post. We’ve been talking to Anna bour modesty a lot lately and this post was so timely!
this is such an important (and undervalued) issue. it makes me sad that most of the “idols” that little girls are exposed to these days are so immodest. disney, who seems so harmless and wholesome, is a big culprit with the preschool/kinder crowd. and don’t get me started that little, grammar school aged girls are so into hannah montana and other teenybopper-scene idols. when i was seven and eight, my heroes were laura ingalls wilder, holly hobbie, the gingham girls . . .
i’m really trying hard to be aware of the things i expose my daughter to as she matures (she’s not quite 2), especially since girls are naturally looking to those around them for something to mimic. and i know that i need to start young and not wait until she hits puberty to have these discussions.
it is so important to teach our boys to value modesty in women as well. thanks for mentioning that.
A very interesting post and comments. While I appreciate modesty, and agree that the world could use more of it, I disagree that the burden falls entirely on the shoulders of young women. I don’t think it’s a woman’s responsibility to “protect” men from desire, so I disagree that a woman dressing provocatively is thereby becoming “pornography” for men. That’s far too close to the old argument used against women who have been raped “She asked for it. She dressed like a sexual being”.
And the comment about the bra section of a JC Penny catalogue? That’s not pornography, folks. There’s nothing pornographic about ads for bras (unless it’s in the mind of the beholder, which makes it the problem of the beholder, not the ad).
I don’t see a connection between immodesty and pornography, myself. Pornography serves a purpose, and many women (as well as men) use it for that purpose.
There has always been pornography, even in more modest times — the only difference I can think of is that when we teach our children that photographs of underwear are “bad” then photographs of underwear do become pornographic. The Victorians had tons of pornography — some of it just featured pretty legs and ankles 🙂