My sister Wendy, before my time.
My only sister is ten years older than me. She left home at a young age, so during most of my childhood I described myself as an only child. I wasn’t disowning her or anything, that’s just how life felt.
Growing up, my mother assumed the ten year gap between Wendy and I was too much to bridge and did little to encourage bonding between us. Quite the opposite in fact. To add to the rift, my sister (who’s grown up nicely, by the way) was a cantankerous teenager. There was no way to relate to her in a positive way. I did try. Eventually I figured out I could either ignore her or tease her.
Being the angelic girl I was [insert angelic choir singing here] you can guess which way I went.
For example, when I was in the fourth grade I developed a taste for cottage cheese mixed with ketchup. I’d stir the two together until it looked like a concoction from Fear Factor.
I thought it was delicious.
My sister’s word for it was “disgusting.”
She was pretty dramatic about it too. Every time I’d have some she’d go on about how gross it was. I made a big show of each bite. Her reaction to my taunting did not disappoint. Months after I lost enthusiasm for this culinary delight I continued to request it just to get a rise out of my sister.
Like I said, angelic.
Fortunately, my sister and I are a lot closer now. She’s responsible, is a good listener, and knows just when I need a dose of big sisterly advice.
But we both feel like we missed out on something when we were younger. Buying birthday cards is a challenge, what with all their talk of “secrets we shared” and “laughs we had.”
We don’t have those kinds of memories.
Now, if Hallmark would make a card praising the torturous joy of ketchup and cottage cheese, we’d be in business.
Years later, when Wendy had her two sons, they’d bicker and get on each others nerves like brothers sometimes do. When the oldest would complain that his younger brother was bothering him, my sister would reply, “Well, that’s what younger brothers are for.”
I’d cringe every time I heard this.
She laughed when she said it, but she really meant it. Over the years her children acted more and more like the great purpose of one sibling is to pester the other.
In all fairness, my sister came by this philosophy honestly. I’m not sure I would feel any differently if it weren’t for watching my husband and his brother. I was surprised to discover just how deep the sibling relationship can be.
These two were tight. More than brothers. They were best friends.
When it came time for me to start a family, I made a conscious choice. I wanted my children to be close.
When I was pregnant with my second son (I have three boys, each two years apart), I prayed again and again for Heavenly Father to send my first son a friend. I have a testimony that he did. I’ve shared this with my children countless times.
From the time my children were born we encouraged a sense of belonging. The new baby didn’t just belong to mom and dad. The new baby belonged to big brother too. We encouraged them to play together. To have fun together. To comfort each other if someone got hurt or was sad. To share toys and treats. To be willing to help each other. To remember that while it’s good and important to have friends, that their brothers are their best friends.
I’ve said this over and over again.
I believe it.
So do my children.
I remember once asking my oldest child, “What’s your favorite toy?”
In all seriousness he replied, “My brothers.”
My boys playing in the rain.
Of course, it’s not all sunshine and lollipops over here. I’ve broken up my fair share of arguments and I’ve resorted to banning my children to separate rooms because I could not stand the bickering for one…more…second.
They’re children and just as likely to get on each others nerves as they are to get on mine.
Still, at the heart of it all, the foundation of their relationship is love, compassion and friendship.
Disputes come and go. Love remains.
I believe that’s what’s meant by that line in The Family Proclamation, the one that tells parents that among our many duties includes the responsibility to teach children to love and serve one another.
I don’t think we do that with Family Home Evenings or lectures or what have you. I think we do that with the way we live. The way we believe.
If we believe, truly believe, that sibling relationships are deep and rewarding, and if we regularly and spontaneously share those sentiments with our children, they will pick up on our conviction and tend to believe it too.
I realize some children may be at odds regardless of what parents do. My sister’s boys are very different from each other. “Complete opposites,” she used to say. She attributed their poor relationship to their opposing personalities.
This may sometimes be true. Still, I wonder. Because in the last few years I’ve witnessed a change.
Wendy stopped saying negative things about sibling relationships. She didn’t seem to expect contention between them and I no longer saw her make a big deal about how shocking it is when they actually got along.
Something settled in her. She became more positive.
And now her children are getting along much better.
These relationships are divine. There are few things more holy than the family. We’re meant to love one another. Blessings always, always flow when we embrace that truth.
I believe The Family Proclamation empowers us in this way. In those moments when our children are bickering to the point where we’d love to pelt them with a ketchup and cottage cheese concoction, we can be reassured.
If we teach them love, ultimately love will win.
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I’m a mother of three boys and became acquainted with the scouting and LDS youth programs a little reluctantly. The phrase “Baptism by Fire” leaps to mind. It didn’t take long for my reluctance to blossom into enthusiasm when I saw all those programs have to offer my sons. Visit my site American Jane or my blog America Jane Speaks.
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Oh, it’s YOU, American Jane! I love you! This was an excellent post! Thank you so much!
American Jane, what a great post! Five of my children are grown and married and live far away from me and each other. One of the things that makes me happiest is when they do things together! When my husband and I leave this earth I know that my children will still be friends. It doesn’t get better than that!! And it’s part of Heavenly Father’s plan. Thanks for reminding us.
This is one thing I have always wanted for my children to be best friends. I have one son now and when the next one comes I hope they will have fun together. Thanks for a great post.
Thanks for this post – it was perfect! My boys are also best friends and I hope and pray that continues throughout their lives.
I really, really love this post! Thank you for sharing it. (My sister and I are 12 years apart. I know exactly what you mean about feeling like an only child sometimes. Still, she and I are pretty good friends and I love that.)
From the other perspective, my sister was 12 years younger then me. I always felt a little sad we didnt have a “sister” relationship. Now that we are both adults with children, it is a wonderful thing to have a very best girl friend in my sister. I feel so blessed that my sister grew up into someone I love so very much.
I really loved this post. It says so much about how our children should love eachother, and how as parents we can encourage that in them. Thank you so much for sharing.
That was really great. It is a good reminder to me to make sure my daughters know that they can be best friends.
Thank you for this post. I have two year old twin boys, and I want them to be best friends. We have quarals of course, but they play well together. My in-laws are a challenge, often refering to one boy or the other as “competition” for the other. I say, “we don’t compete, we’re a family, and we love each other.” It seems they encourage discontent, and I see it in my husband’s relationship with his sister.
I think alot of times our chilren meet our expectations, and we need to set our expectations accordingly.
I really loved this (and needed it) this morning! I see and hear so much of “me” in what my children do: how they react when they are upset or frustrated by something I’ve done, what they say when they want something, their please and thank you’s, and even sometimes their shortness with each other. And I want them to be friends — to really love and need and rely on each other and stand up for each other during difficult and fun times. Thanks for the reminder that they will learn that from me!!! I need to be more positive and provide more opportunities to nurture that relationship, particularly with #3 coming, so that they don’t spend their lives at odds with each other, fighting for attention and control! Thank you, thank you!
Yes, I needed this reminder, too. I have twin boys. When I was pregnant, I was scared out of my wits at the prospect of caring for two babies at once. One comfort to me was that they would have each other and that they’d be a support for each other. Imagine my shock when shortly after birth and they started opening their eyes more- they wouldn’t even look at each other! We tried over and over just to get them to LOOK at each other. They were definitely not interested. As they grew I worried that they would ignore each other forever. Once they were able to play with toys they sure noticed the other. When they weren’t ignoring, they were fighting. It was heartbreaking. I took some happiness in watching each of them enjoy being with their older brother. In the last six months they’ve started warming up and I’ve even seen some spontaneous hugging! It’s such a joy to see them finally show some love to each other. I’ve got more hope now and I needed this post. It’s helped me remember that all hope is not lost. If we keep our home a peaceful, loving place they’re bound to keep the love growing…right??? Right:)
First time commenter 🙂
This is so true – I have 3 brothers, and 1 sister, she is 7 years younger than me – and we got along beautifully, despite the age difference,. My mom always encouraged us to look after eachother – “she is your sister!”, and it must have made a real difference. Another thing she did, which I have a huge respect for – when she had to discipline my sister, she quietly encouraged me to comfort my sister….what a bond that can make! It was not to gang up on mom, but to look after eachother – a huge positive reinforcement!! With 2 brothers between us – and trust me – THAT was a trial!! – we now still get along really well. Incidentally – we all 5 (and our families) get along really well – not perfect 🙂 – but well.
Great post. It really inspires me to be a better mother.
This post is right on! Thank you.
=)
PS. Now that I’ve partaken of your wisdom, I will have to go visit your blog!
altho this is a serious post, and meaningful, I also am sitting here chuckling. my half-sister was (is) 5 years younger than me. Same scenario as you describe…not cottage cheese(still refuse that). Instead I would put my finger within a hair’s breath of her arm…and keep it there. Never touching her. She’d scream, “Susan’s touching me!” I’d laugh. We never got to be close and she married and move across the continent. But we have grown up…well, we are still trying to.
Thank you for the thoughts and for stirring up a memory (which I am sharing with another friend right now). Good thoughts.
I pray DAILY for sibling love and for me to be patient as they figure it out.
I think I am going to make a conscious effort to eliminate competitive phrases and add in love each other phrases. I don’t think I do it often, but have never really paid attention.
I know that my sister and I fought terribly as teenagers but are best friends now. I remember that when my kids are really bickering with each other.
great thoughts…also appreciated your FHE post.
Thanks for your post! Our relationships with our siblings is important. I’ve been realizing that more and more lately now that we are grown and several of us have our own families. I am trying to bridge some gaps from childhood and develop meaningful relationships now. It’s a bit hard but I know the Lord will bless me for trying.
What a great reminder! I have an okay relationship with my siblings, but it’s not as close as I would like. I am trying to help my girls (currently 4 and 1) to become good friends as well as sisters. Thank you for sharing your experiences.
Awesome post!! It truly is interesting to note the dynamics of families – and VERY scary to know that they are dictated a lot by the mothers! Kudos to you for raising brothers that are friends. They will ALWAYS be grateful for it!
I loved this post too! Everything has been so uplifting and inspiring this month. Thanks for sharing. My sis is 7 years my Junior and my BFF.I hope my kids will always be close.
Great thoughts. As a mother, few things make me happier than seeing my children get along and love each other.
I really enjoyed this post, so thank you very much American Jane. I remember Cocoa posting some time back about rearranging her girls’ bedrooms based on relationships that needed fostering. I have watched my own for signs of needed relationship assistance. The middle two (girl and boy) shared a room for almost a year and are now able to play and talk together wonderfully. Still working on my introvert older boy and my extrovert younger boy. They will find their way together.