Lately as my mind does it’s regular getting-distracted-from-the-task-at-hand thing my thoughts keep jumping into this place in my brain called the “worry section.”
This part of my brain is full to overflowing with worry of all sorts, but most prominent these days is worry about how to teach my kids to be hard workers. I worry about whether or not they really know how to do hard things. I worry about how to teach them to see what needs to be done, then roll up their sleeves and DO it.
To be honest, I’m scared for them. I think we live in a generation of giving our kids too much (just my humble opinion from my little, minuscule slice of life here in the desert…if you don’t agree with me stop reading here). We’re quick to jump in the car and drive them where they need to be, even if it’s just around the block. We hand out money they haven’t earned so they can go hang out with their friends. We pay for their camps and their lessons. They don’t really own anything so they don’t know what it means to really take care of things. They just ride along comfortably through life and get pampered.
And my question is this: what does that mean for their future selves??
Now, let me back up and say that of course, this scenario of “giving too much” is a vast generalization. Obviously not all kids are like that. My kids, in particular, do pay for a bunch of things themselves and are at least partially money conscious. They do their jobs around the house and they are relatively responsible. But is that enough?
I have two stories to share:
Story #1:
A couple months ago my thirteen-year-old son Max was running late for school. He had dawdled a little bit over his breakfast waffles and had forgotten to finish up a couple math problems the night before which had put him behind. As we rushed to pack up his lunch, he asked if I could drive him to school (he usually rides his bike). I took a deep breath wondering if I was going to be able to fit in everything else to help all his sisters get out the door in the next half hour if I took him up on his request. His school is super close…it would only take a couple minutes. I’d probably be fine on timing and it would be good to have him to myself for a few minutes. But Dave piped in and said no way. He assured Max he’d be fine on time, and if he wasn’t maybe he’d learn to be sure to finish his homework earlier next time. And with that, Max left for school. No harm done. All was well.
Simple story, right? Nothing earth-shattering or mystifying about it; my child just got himself to school with no help from his push-over mother.
But I’m telling you, I keep thinking about this incident. I keep thinking how my husband did Max a world of good by not letting me pamper him. And it makes me SO thankful. That little incident has changed how I think about a lot of things.
Story #2:
A few months ago I was talking to my friend about what life was like as we were growing up. She told me when she was younger she was dying to take gymnastics lessons. Her parents couldn’t afford them so she went and got herself two little jobs to pay for it herself. Let me emphasize this: she saved up her pennies and put herself through gymnastics. And she learned so much from the experience.
Again, no over-the-top amazing-ness seeping out of this story. A girl saw her dream ready to pass her by and decided to do something about it.
I LOVE that story.
I can’t stop thinking about that one either.
I want my kids to be that girl. I want them to know the victory of hard work. I want it to change the way they think and the way they act and the way they appreciate things.
I wrote about this here too, way back then and I’m still in a quandry about it.
It’s on my mind all the time.
So the other night we sat our kids down and had a big talk. We will be easing off on the business of “pampering.” And it’s not because we don’t adore them. It’s precisely because we DO adore them and we want them to learn independence and hard work. We want them to lead happy, healthy lives and we don’t think we’d be doing them any real favors by letting them live a life of luxury.
Shawni Eyre Pothier is first and foremost a wife and a mother to six of her favorite people. Aside from trying to figure out how to bottle her children up and keep them at her side forever, she enjoys photography and writing, which has led to publishing her first book, co-authored with her mother Linda Eyre, titled A Mother’s Book of Secrets. In light of the fact that Shawni’s youngest daughter was diagnosed with a syndrome that causes vision loss, she and her mother have recently launched the “I Love Lucy Project” to help raise funds for research to fight blindness. Shawni blogs about the joys as well as the frustrations of motherhood at 71toes.blogspot.com.
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Oh this was for me!! only last night my facebook status was “when will doing the dishes not include begging, prodding, yelling, crying, bribing? When will they realise they have to help with the dishes EVERY SINGLE NIGHT!!”
I’m not worried about pampering my kids – we really ARE too POOR to give them much, but I worry that it takes them so many years to come to the realisation that they have to help around the house. And not much either – make beds, clear table and stack dishwasher. Thats about it…
dont get me started on sitting in church. Hello, I’m like you’ve been going to church every sunday for like 7 years and YOU STILL DONT BEHAVE????? wheres your brain??
lol lol lol
i love your, especially all of those little girls! i’m excited to be a part of it more and your homeschooling blog.
thanks for letting me be a part of the family month too with being a guest yesterday!
i always feel like we lucked out. we had enough money for needs and some wants. but all my kids had jobs at early ages. some delivered the morning newspaper while in 4th grade. my oldest got a job when she was 15 and i was on a vacation visiting a friend. each worked many jobs…they learned the lesson of work so well. but i always felt badly that they had to work….I was wrong.
I agree with the generalization that kids today are handed too much and asked to give too little. I believe we did my oldest child an injustice by giving her some of the things we did. She would be saving up for something she wanted and before she could get there, we’d give it to her for a birthday or Christmas gift.
My kids do chores, but I wonder if it’s enough for them to really understand the skills they’ll need.
We’ve had conversations about how none of the other kids they know do as much chores as our family does. My response is “How sad for them!” Then I explain the downside of being a grown up who doesn’t know how to care for themselves and how much harder it makes the adjustment into adulthood.
Whoo Baby! This is a subject near and dear to my heart…I have blogged about it a few times, we have regular FHE’s about it, and my friends are sick of me telling them about our “job charts”!
I totally agree with the whole post. It was a resounding YES on my end.
Thank you for sharing.
I love this post 🙂 I am all about letting my (older) kids learn the hard way. I gave my son a free pass the first week of school, but told him this was it – I would not be staying up all night to help him homework that he procrastinated working on! They need to learn. And as much as it stinks, sometimes they have to learn the hard way.
Also I love learning about Lucy! 🙂
Excellent post.
A women I was talking with recently was recalling a story (I can’t remember if it was personal or second hand) about a son fresh from highschool just being fired from his job because he was late ALL the time. The mother couldn’t help but wonder if it was some how her fault, because she alwasy woke her son up and made sure he made it to school on time. She said she wished she had helped him learn that responsibilty earlier.
I know this wasn’t quite your point, but after reading this I have the gumption to donate half of the boys toys. We really don’t have that many toys, but we have enough that they’re not taking good care of them. Time to trim the fat!
Thank you!!!
Great post. Growing up I was always given the opportunity to try new things but had to always figure a way to continue my interests. If I wanted to be a dancer then I had to get a job (like babysitting or cleaning houses) to pay for it once I was old enough. Household chores were required to buy new clothes or toys when it wasn’t Christmas or my birthday time. It made me think outside of the box and I came up with all sorts of things from snow cone and candy stands to a neighborhood newsletter I sold to my neighbors (ha just a bunch of gossip I’m sure). My kids are young and though we don’t buy them much are given SO much from family and friends that I’m having to downsize to help them appreciate it, treat it better, and stop the fighting. I think back at my dad’s childhood when all he had to play with was a rock and stick (he’s in his mid 70’s). Such simpler times.
I worry about this same thing with my own kids. When my 3-year-old names his hard-earned nerf gun “my allowance” or my 13-year-old tells me how she explained to her friends that she doesn’t wear “that” brand because she got 4 shirts for the same price somewhere else, then I hope I’m on the right track.
I’m hoping to find a happy medium. I want to teach them good values and ethics, I also want to be able to reward them or give them opportunities to grow as well.
I need to remember when my kids are telling my I must not love them that I do ADORE them and I should tell them as much. 🙂
Great post. I think that most kids could use a little less pampering and a little more work ethic.
Thanks for this series this month, and especially for this post. This topic has been on my mind so much lately! Things are gonna be a-changin’ around here too…
We live in the days of pampering our children, and I don’t just mean the diapers!! I have my kids do extra chores to earn the money for their extra curricular activities. They each play an instrument and participate in an extra event like dancing or singing. If they invest something to keep going, they tend to pay a little more attention and work a little bit harder when they are there. You can figure out the prices and use it as an allowance. It works!
I have found your blog a couple of times, and I really enjoy it. Thank you for the focus on family. In this crazy world, it’s nice to be reminded of what really matters.
I think about that a lot as well. As my husband and I talk about where we want to raise our children, we are looking for places that will keep them from being overscheduled, that will give them opportunities to love the outdoors and explore easily, to experience the joys that you don’t need money to have and that bring greater fulfillment anyway, to develop their imaginations and an ability to create and invent their lives the way they want them to be. Thanks for the reminder and the two stories.
I have been having these same thoughts as you and am worried for my children. I make sure they go to every church activity that involces serving, at a shelter or yard work, etc. I read a great book that helps with what your talking about. Dr. laura recommends it on her show all the time. “Have a New Kid By Friday”