Occasionally my children say something that is accidentally so funny, I cackle out loud. Today was Grant’s turn. We were on our way home from church, and he was telling us about his primary teacher, “My teacher has a baby in her belly. She’s having a baby boy.” I replied, “Oh yeah, you’re right. She’s having a baby next month.” There was a long pause and then Grant inquired from the back seat, “Mom, are you so glad that you’re all done laying babies?” Matt laughed so hard I think he spit on the windshield. We kept looking at each other and laughing over and over again. “Yep, Grant. I am glad.” I’ve never told him I’m done having kids, but maybe he’s on to something.
There is probably no topic more sensitive than how many children to have. I know that some women cannot have children and they ache. I know that some women have more children than they can count and feel like they lost their soul somewhere in the process. I know many women that have more children than I do and pull it off seemingly flawlessly, leaving me in dumbfounded awe. I have to admit that when it comes to this topic, I am a big, fat chicken. I pretty much feel at least once on a daily basis that my three children have definitely maxed out, if not surpassed, my own limits of motherhood. On other rare days, I see a cute smiling baby, or hear news of a good friend announcing her fourth pregnancy, and I feel a very teeny-weeny (very, very teeny-weeny) bit jealous. But then I snap myself into reality (I like sleep. I need sleep. I’m getting too old to function without sleep.) and I say, “Steph, you could not pull off another kid and survive.” I hold a deep respect for my own mother, who had four, for my two grandmothers who had nine and seven, and hope that I can live up to their motherhood quality without having to match their quantity.
And then I think about the love and gospel truth that we have in our family and who am I to withhold that from another one of God’s children, when there are so many other scary families where that child might otherwise land? Then I hope my fear is just a little anxiety talking, and I try to reassure myself that Heavenly Father is probably much more deliberate about his placement of children– that He doesn’t just haplessly toss them to the next dysfunctional couple in line. That part I am sure about: God has a family plan. The part I’m not so sure about is my own obligation in this plan. Maybe obligation’s the wrong word, but I do want to do what I should do. I’m just afraid of what that might mean.
The Proclamation on the Family quotes Proverbs and declares, “Children are an heritage of the Lord.” I believe this to be true; my children are a gift from my Heavenly Father, and I am confident that they are an integral part of my mission and development here on earth. However, there are SO many differing philosophies on this topic, and the believers of every party are quite passionate about their own cause. Some argue for the mental health of the mother and appropriate attention to the child. Some argue a “quiver full” concept and claim that we should welcome as many children as might come our way. Many argue for something somewhere in between, a delicate balance of self-sacrifice and self-preservation. And I think that maybe they are all right, IF they make their decisions with much prayer and consultation with the Lord. As Shakespeare would say, “Ay, there’s the rub.”
I have declared confidently many times that “I’m done” with three children. That’s my preference. But there’s a clause, of course, because what if God doesn’t think I’m done? It is my responsibility to surrender my will to His. And this is why I don’t pray anymore. (Kidding.) But, I’m human, and I sometimes fear His will. I’ve claimed–somewhat tongue-in-cheek– that if God wants me to have another child, he’d better send me an angel and make it very clear. I will obey. I’ll cry for nine months, but I’ll obey. Oh, and then I add a condition that if He’s going to do that, to please do it sooner than later because this spring chicken’s not getting any younger, and I don’t want Natalie to be starting junior high and then have some Abraham’s wife Sarah-ish kind of experience where I find out that my golden years will be lined with diaper cream. But if He’s fine with me being done at three, then it would also be nice to have some kind of “Well done, thou good and faithful servant. Go thou and sleep all through the night” experience so that I don’t spend the rest of my life wondering if I was supposed to have one more but wasn’t paying attention the day he sent me the memo. Aaaaagh. This is very tricky business.
The real issue here has very little to do with what family planning philosophy I choose to embrace. In my mind, what it comes down to is this: It’s not so much about having a certain number of children as it is learning to get clear answers to my prayers. Being at peace with my decision. Living life with no regrets.
“The ability to qualify for, receive, and act on personal revelation is the single most important skill that can be acquired in this life. Qualifying for the Lord’s Spirit begins with a desire for that Spirit and implies a certain degree of worthiness. …
Revelation can come hour by hour and moment by moment as we do the right things. … Personal revelation gives us the understanding of what to do every day to increase faith and personal righteousness, strengthen families and homes, and seek those who need our help. Because personal revelation is a constantly renewable source of strength, it is possible to feel bathed in help even during turbulent times.
We are told to put our trust in that Spirit which leads us “to do justly, to walk humbly, to judge righteously.” We are also told that this Spirit will enlighten our minds, fill our souls with joy, and help us know all things we should do. Promised personal revelation comes when we ask for it, prepare for it, and go forward in faith, trusting that it will be poured out upon us.” ~Sister Julie B. Beck
Yep, I’m a big chicken. A baby-laying chicken. Bawk-bok-bok-bok-Bawk. Thank heavens I know where to find the courage to do it right.
Stephanie is a mom of three young and relentless children. Her interests include latin music, naps, restaurants, writing, travel, teaching, housework denial and long showers. Stephanie seeks for the divinity in motherhood— tries to share it when she finds it, and tries to laugh when she doesn’t. She blogs for fun, posterity, and therapy. Her musings are chronicled at Diapers and Divinity.
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Hey Steph – This is such a great post. You’ve spoken to me directly, so it would seem. The funny thing about you and Serene writing about the same topic today is that Montserrat and I have not coordinated posts…just must be the spirit leading us along! Great thoughts here! Thank you!
ummmm I could have written this! I think many people think this! lol
I too had three kids I was very happy with then 3 years later had a special ‘gift from God’ *wink*
I too struggle with this because sometimes I feel exasperated and think I could NOT handle any more kids, and when money is so tight.. can NOT afford any more kids….
then other days I think I’m a pretty laid back person, Im the type of person that SHOULD have more kids….
and then there s the husband to consider.. mine feels that His own Dad shouldnt have had 7 kids because he couldnt handle them all, so subsequently ignored them often and didnt support them in all their extra curricular activities (his dad was absent from him recieving awards etc) and sometimes he says he feels like his dad and never wants to have more kids than he can be emotionally available for
soooooo long comment to say thanks for your thoughts as most of these go thru my head quiet regularly…
Awesomely done post on a very emotional subject. We may be of different religions, but the issues we face are often the same. I, too, wonder if we are done by our will or by His? I pray that we raise the ones we’ve been gifted with in His image and beauty. Thanks so much for your insight. Ya’ big chicken!
i had wanted 8….had 5 and felt I was done. Last week I thought … and suggested … we could adopt. Nah, my husband said…we are too old. And he’s right. Already my 4th daughter complains cuz I wasn’t a camper. Now I am less than I was. But there’s this great longing to have children…and they are gifts.
Well said
So true. Everyone is different and can handle different things and we should all support each other and not judge. I have 4 and live on the east coast where I constantly get funny looks because I have SO MANY kids. People are even more shocked when I tell them my husband is one of 9 kids. I just laugh. 🙂
I too am a big fat chicken.:) I loved your post so many of us have those same thoughts. I say that I am done but then worry that that is not the Lord’s will. I believe the Lord understands each of our needs and knows what is best for each of us. I loved how you said that it is a matter of prayer. Thanks for a wonderful post.
This topic is near and dear to my heart. I have been told about my sin to stop having kids (even thought that is between my hubs and me and the Lord…not them…) No one knows the Lords plan for us, no one knows what you are doing in your life. (we are actually in the process of adopting more…I just am not able to have more physically)
It is a touchy subject, but one I am so greatful you addressed. And beautifully I might add. Thank you.
Okay, so your post is much more elequent than mine and you covered many more wonderful points.
How funny that we talked about (almost) the same thing!
great Post.
I have been blessed with 2 children a Son and a Daughter.
We wanted more But things just didn’t work out.
when we were going through fertility problems. I would have people say well you have a Boy and a Girl , one of each isn’t that enough?
comments like that hurt at first and made me doubt. then Myself and My husband just chose to ignore such comments and we knew what was right.
I guess in the end It did work out Enough because I ended up having some pretty serious health issues which would of been so much harder to deal with if I had small children.So Heavenly father knew the plan for my life.
But I Love children and It makes my heart swell when i see Families with More than 2 children.
This is EXACTLY where I am! I am in a state of “I don’t know” and I don’t like it. The timing doesn’t seem to be right now, but will it ever? Will I always be wondering if I was supposed to have more? Must work on that personal revelation…
Thank you!!
I wonder if there is a specific angel with that task, as I have often proclaimed that is what it would take for me to have more!
I think it is a very personal decision and I wonder about people who think they know what is best for my family.
There are so many variables that affect a family size that it is impossible to know or judge others.
The key is that the Lord will tell you, at least He did for me. I’m hoping that He is done with me because I’m tired. Great post!
Such a tricky balance…I’m constantly questioning such decisions. I’d like to think it is because I have faith and am open to Gods will and not because I’ve made the wrong decision 🙂
I think you have hit the nail on the head here. It is all about personal revelation. Every family is different, and it is only when we block out the revelation and are unwilling to obey – that is where we get into trouble. Heavenly Father knows what we need – and he will guise us inwhat that is. and that is different for every family.
Thank you, Steph! These are the exact thoughts I have over and over. Hearing them from you, and from others who have already commented, helps me feel SO much better! Thanks!
I grew up thinking I only wanted two or three kids…now here I am with eight, thankful my parents have taught me to trust the Lord instead of relying on my own limited sight.
Great post, Steph!
I like how both blogs coincided today. I don’t remember where I learned this but I’ve always known that we picked out families in the eternities. I shared this with my mother in law not to long ago and she looked at me a little funny. But in my gut I feel it is right even though I don’t have any doctrine to back it up.
It’s amazing how some women just seem to have it all together huh?! Before having my son I asked a mom in our ward how she did it. How did she teach her kids to be so reverent at church? She laughed and was surprised I thought they were so reverent. There was that whole judging thing again. From my perspective things looked great and easy but not from hers.
I figure as long as we are prayerful about it the Lord will let us know how many kids we should have and He will provide the means to raise them. We just have to have faith in Him.
I personally want around 5-6 kids or as many as the Lord see’s fit.
Great post! I think being called a chicken is better that being a COW (how I always feel after giving birth)! 😉
You are so right! I have 11 kids, 6 of them when I was very young, 2 of them through marriage, and 3 of them in my “golden years”. It is all hard work! I believe that it is a choice that only the people involved have a right to make along with their Heavenly Father. I always wanted at least a dozen. But reality was that I could not have that many. I am grateful and amazed and blessed with the ones I do have. It doesn’t matter how old you get, they are still your children. They still need your advice, counsel and teaching. They need to know that they have choices and that you will allow them to make their own mistakes. I will tell you a secret though, I don’t think any of us have it “all together”. We all struggle at times with our choices. We all question whether enough is enough. We all want to do the best thing, the right thing, the perfect thing. That is ok. As for me, I have learned to pray and be content with what I have right at this moment. There is no right or wrong number of children. There is only what is best for you, your husband and your family. The Lord really does listen to our prayers and He knows what you need. Perhaps the thing we need to do most of all is simply, trust.
What a fun post to read! I love that quote by Sister Beck. I certainly have those moments when I see a pregnant mom or a newborn baby and think I want another.
I’m glad you weren’t too chicken to write your feelings, thoughts and testimony here for us to read! I also really like that quote from Sis. Beck and echo your sentiments:
“It’s not so much about having a certain number of children as it is learning to get clear answers to my prayers. Being at peace with my decision. Living life with no regrets.”
Thanks again!
Great reminder for me this week. Thanks.
I laughed out loud at “lined with diaper cream.” Awesome post. Just awesome… And something on my mind lately, too, as I’m trying not to lose my soul on the way to more children than I can count. Very well said.
hehehehe…love the “big fat Chicken” analagy.
We had planned for more and got less when it came to children. I too get that twinge when I hear a friend is expecting, but then quickly remember the doctor while delivering my son via emergency c-section saying , If you do this again you will probably die.
I know now that if I was “supposed” to have more I would be able, but that it wasn’t His plan for our family. And we’re okay with that.
This is definitely a personal decision. I used to want 6 kids, but more than that I wanted to be “done” by the time I was 36. Well, I didn’t get married until I was 26 so the number went down to 4 or 5. Now that we’ve discovered that conceiving doesn’t come as naturally to us as other people I have increased my “done” time from age 36 to…oh 40…:-) And came to terms with 4 instead of 5. Going to less than 4 though? It breaks my heart too much to even consider. Maybe I’ll just have to adopt a few.
LOVED this post!!! So easy to related to and fun to read. Brightened up my afternoon! Thanks!
Great post, Steph! You have a way of writing that always makes me think, laugh, and pray. 🙂 This is a tricky topic, I think, and you sum it up beautifully.
I am in the same boat, but I’m choosing not to do anything about it at the moment (my baby just barely turned one, after all.) Thank Heaven for revelation!! I can’t imagine trying to make such decisions alone.
Great post! I have one child right now, who just turned 4. If I’d been doing things my way, I would’ve had more children by now…but after lots of praying, the answer has always been, “Not yet.” I’ve mostly made peace with the whole thing, and I’m pretty sure that I’ll have more children eventually, but it can still be hard to see all of the other 4-yr-old children who have one or two or (gulp) three siblings already.