I love having young women in the house! My oldest girls are 16, 15 and 13 and let me tell you they are a joy to have around. We have been missing them the last week and a half as they have been vacationing in Florida with my parents. Thinking about them while they are gone has made me realize just how wonderful they are and how enjoyable these teen years can be for a family.
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| {Bon Bon, age 16} |
When my older girls were the little girls we often received comments like “You have five girls? Good luck with that when they get to be teenagers!” And now when we go shopping in town {with all the kids} we get “You have three teenage girls! How do you survive?” I’m so glad we were wished all the luck. It worked. We survive because we don’t believe in ‘teenagers’ as most westernized people do.
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| {Semisweet, age 15} |
Good read-a-loud books are priceless. It was while reading books to my older children when they were little that I realized pre-1940 “teenagers” didn’t exist. There were children and adults, with those in in the “teen” years being considered young adults.
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| {Brownie, age 13} |
It struck me that the dreaded teen years were a rather new phenomenon. And mostly of our own making. Did you know that the first documented use of the word teenager is in a 1941 Reader’s Digest? This realization helped Mr. Ferrero Rocher and I adjust our parenting so instead of dreading “the teen years” we looked forward to having young adults in the house. And by golly, it has worked! {so far}
What do we want our children to be? We want them to be well rounded adults who care for others, are selfless, know the skills to take care of themselves and their own families, who contribute to society, who are deeply religious and have a faith in God that will carry them through the rough times they will inevitably have in their lives. We have parented with that end in mind.
What have we done?
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- We never talked about “the teen years” with dread or angst. Instead we have spoken about the increased opportunities to learn and grow and serve and the freedoms and responsibilities that go with that.
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| {Cleaning and cooking are more fun with a cute apron. Dressing up as a 1950’s housewife helps too!} |
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- We’ve taught them skills as children that they are honing now as young adults. One example is cooking. Before the age of ten they help out in the kitchen learning how to cook, read recipes, plan meals, etc. By the time my children are twelve they are in charge of menu planning, grocery shopping, and cooking for the whole week. That’s 21 meals! And they are good at it. The weeks are rotated and spread out enough that they look forward to their week of cooking. The same will be expected of my sons when they reach that age.
- As they have grown we have increased their responsibilities at home and on the farm. These aren’t “little” responsibilities with no value but rather ones they know really contribute to our family’s well-being. See above for an example.
- Let them make their own decisions. One example – what to do for high school. We explored together all the options available to them including public school. We discussed pros and cons, making charts that eerily brought back memories of my parents doing the same with me. And then we let them decide what they wanted to do. It was their schooling, their future.
- They have learned to respect and trust us and our judgements as their parents. Conversely we have learned to trust them and theirs especially as they have shown good judgement in the past. These two – making decisions and trust – build on each other.
- Increased their circle of friends to include not only peers their age but adults and children too. A quick scan of Bon Bon’s facebook friends shows an almost even split between peers her age and adults. I know every single one of them and they are such good people, mentors really, to her. When you think about pre-1940, those in the teen years were either working alongside adults {think family farm} or apprenticed to adults to learn special work skills. After 1940 most teens where grouped together according to age to learn from one another rather than from those more experienced. This grouping actually happened before that, around 1900 but after 1940 showed the biggest change. The circle of people who influenced teens for good decreased.
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| {Recreating a photo from 12 years ago} |
- Humor. A good does of humor goes a long way in diffusing tense situations. Laughter IS good medicine. Knowing when to laugh at our mistakes helps us realize that 1) we will make mistakes 2) it’s okay to acknowledge them because 3) we learn from them and move on. Having a good sense of humor also makes you easy and enjoyable to be around.
- Siblings will always be your best friends. 🙂
One more suggestion geared directly to those raising daughters. I often get asked about dealing with “hormonal” teenage girls. How do we survive with three in the house? For most of my married life I have either been pregnant or nursing. I don’t menstruate while nursing. My daughters have never seen me act “hormonal” or cranky due to PMS. As they have hit puberty they didn’t know it was an “option” or an “excuse” women use to act cranky/crazy/emotional etc.
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| {Bon Bon comforting a crying Hershey} |
Knowledge is power. They do know there is an increase of hormones and these will effect how they feel. They also realize they have the power to choose how to let those emotions show. Instead of snapping at a sibling they take their aggression out on the piano. A chick flick is watched so there’s an outlet for crying. And they always know if they just need to talk they can come to me or their dad. Honestly, if you came and spent a month or two at my house you wouldn’t be able to tell who was having a period or when. I asked Mr. Ferrero Rocher last night if he could tell and he said, “Nope, not at all.”
I realize right now we just have young women in our home. Our approach might change a little with our sons, but I don’t think it will that much. My friend, WaterWorks, has written a great post about the young men in their house. Stop by there for a visit and see if anything she has written can help you!
How have you found the teen years to be in your house? What have you learned that could help others? Share in the comments!
I think this is in part in answer to my question. It sounds like you do about what I have done but was wondering if I was wrong and in telling myself and my girls to ignore those negative emotions and to just be happy and work it off.
Wow! It does sound like we’re handling these young people similarly. While Classic Rock will pound out songs on the piano, he’ll also ride his bike and throw footballs endlessly in the yard while working out aggressions. As for the PMS issues, I do battle those. My grandmother, mother and sister did(do) as well. I think some are just more prone than others. I use sewing, reading, quiet time and lots of laughter and an occasional glass of wine with a good movie. I hope to teach my girls that they can and should choose their reactions.
You are right about some women being more prone to PMS issues than others. We aren’t trying to teach them that PMS issues don’t exist. They do. What we are trying to teach the girls is it isn’t an excuse to treat others badly. Women do have a choice in how they behave and it’s more empowering to learn to control themselves rather than let loose on others and make the atmosphere unpleasant with bad attitudes.
Although I’m years away from having “teenagers” I really like this kind of approach. It seems like we are so busy telling kids that age that they are terrible so no wonder they act that way! I just wish I could figure out how you teach your kids to do cooking and chores when they are young. It seems like no matter what I try with my oldest who is 6- it’s just too much for her. She can’t reach the sink, she can’t reach the cupboard to put dishes away, she can’t fold clothes, she can’t manage the big vacuum, etc. Luckily she’s great at picking up toys, but it’s sure tricky finding things tiny little kids can do effectively. I’ve gotta be patient because surely in another 2-3 years there will be tons of things my girls can do.
Great post!! Good points to keep in mind for me in like 6 years!! 🙂 gasp!
We went through five teenage boys before our daughter reached that age, and while I’m not sure we ever deliberately thought about how to raise teenagers vs. young kids, we were deliberate in raising children. My patriarchal blessing promised me “love and peace and harmony” in my home, and so we worked very hard to do things (family home evening, family prayer, attending church, showing love and respect, etc., etc.) in order to realize that blessing. And we have.
I didn’t think I would, but it turned out I love having teenagers in my home, and twenty-somethings are pretty awesome as well. (I wrote a little bit about it last year for Mother’s Day – Ten Motherhood Lessons.)
I also vividly remember the first time I realized that our daughter needed to be taught that she couldn’t use the hormone excuse to act unkindly. We were on a long road trip and I noticed a rise in the bickering level. After a few minutes, the reason dawned on me (that’s how the Spirit works). It was time for a couple of teaching moments. The one with the older brothers was basically “Your sister is adjusting to becoming a young lady, and you need to realize that someday you’re going to have a wife with the same feelings, so learn now how to deal with it in a Christ-like manner. You’re the big brothers; don’t push her buttons.” And then I lovingly told our daughter that I knew she was dealing with new emotions and feelings, but that it was no excuse to be ornery; she also needed to remember the family rules to be kind and loving. The whole incident probably took less than a minute, and I honestly can’t remember it ever being a problem again.
Teenagers really are delightful, and I love the way you call them young adults, because that’s really what they are.
Thanks for this post! I have three girls so far and I often wonder how it will be when they are older. I love your point of view! Thanks for the great advice.
as a mother of four girls and no boys I hear all the time.. just wait till theyre teens.. you are so brave etc etc… I LOVE hearing from people with all girls how great it is ( my daughters prep teacher just told me she has four girls and how wonderful it is and they are so kind to eachother now in their late teens and 20’s!) Oh how I love that!
also though I do think your lifestyle contributes to this. Homeschooling and not having the school thing/other teens around alot would help. Also I think farming also gives kids that edge with being good workers. There is no excuse really for me as I could get them doing more chores at home, but living inner city, small house, small plot I really feel that your girls are lucky to have such jobs given them (they probably might not think that though) and I cant think of much exciting things except do some washing and cooking…
your post has given me thought, I only knew one parent growing up who would always say she just loved having teens, having other teens over etc. I hope to be positive like that. I’ve also known about the grouping kids in like ages as a new thing. I also don’t like it. It is hard to work around. I would like my girls to be involved with older people more often (we recently went out with some older teens and they were so kind to my girls. I just loved it)I would also like to find jobs for them. My husband was doing paper round at 10 and got himself up and out in cold weather and rode far and wide each morning at 6am – jobs like that arent available in australia anymore. I would love for my girls to be able to tag along to someones work/business… I need to find someone to take them on in a couple of years (my eldest is 11 and fairly lazy.. she needs it… my nine year old is much more into things and helpful. how do you work around each girls personality. I find myself letting the lazy one get away with too much as the other is so eager to help 🙂
Thanks for this post, we have had some tragic events in our lives the last couple years and I think instead of me looking at my daughter going through the grieving process I labeled it all “teen” behavior. I really appreciate your view on this and will pray for help in having an attitude like yours. I just love your blog and all the inspiring posts!
Brandi, I hope you are able to find healing for your family. Everyone does grieve in a different way and for different lengths of time. I pray all will work out!
Thank you! This post is so enlightening. I have 3 daughters and am always looking for sound wisdom and I found it here. I really REALLY like the concept of viewing our children differently, as young adults not “teenagers”. I believe we act the way we are treated, I really do. But you can’t implement this type of respect at the magical age of 13, it needs to start when they are far younger. I’ve come to really respect your views and appreciate you sharing them on this blog. 🙂
Love this idea! I know I was probably a horrible teenager for my parents and have this fear my kids will be the same! This is a great way to look at it 🙂 Thanks <3
THis has been our approach, also. I can remember when I first discovered that “teenager” was an invention of the last century and we decided to be old fashioned and have yong adults. So much more productive. I was raised that teenagers are all of the negative things, and that was the way I was expected to act. My parents don’t understand my responsible, reliable, compassionate young adults! (we have 6 of them, basically. Age 20[away on his mission], 18[girl], 18[girl], 16[boy], 13[girl] and 11[girl]) It is wonderful at our house!and you would never know when all 5 of us have our period, other than the overflowing bathrooom trash cans! lol
Oi! I’m with you on the overflowing bathroom trash cans!
oh, there is a book called Do Hard THings. It is written by 2 brothers and it is an excellent reference for young adults. Our stake president recommended it to us. (not an LDS publication) Oh, and I love the choice in HS. We did the same thing and have 3 graduating next week. THe 16 y/o from homeschool, and one 18 y/o from the county HS and the other from a local small Christian school.Just like they won’t all have the same job as adults, they don’t all thrive with the same exact education.
I love this! One of the things that first got me interested in homeschooling was meeting homeschooled young adults– they were so different and I thought “I want my kids to be like that when they are in the teen years” and so I started watching those families and saw that it started young! In one of sister beck’s interviews she talks about how she raised her kids to be her friends– she wanted them to be people interesting to talk to when they got older and fun to be around. I need to remember that sometimes!
For a few years now, since my older boys were about 13 & 11, we decided that we will never have “teenagers” in our home. We have young men in training to become men and a young lady in training to become a lady. Society has taken those “rites of passage” away from our children…and us. I want them to understand that society says “teenagers” are rebellious, make stupid decisions, irresponsible etc, but I know they are wonderful, caring, responsible, fun-loving and desirous to do what is right. I want them to know I expect more of them than what society does and that they can expect it of themselves. It was amazing when I sat them down and talked with them about just that. Suddenly their shoulders got a little straighter, they stood a little taller and their eyes shone a little brighter. We have all become better people for it and I love my young men and my young lady. It is wonderful!