Q. What are your feelings on the social aspect of homeschooling and how do you provide opportunities for your kids to learn how to socialize in a variety of situations? I never thought I’d be a socialization critic! Am I just overreacting and worrying too much about it?! I just want my kids to have the skills and abilities to function well in life and reach their full potentials.
A. When I sat down to write this post I thought about just leaving a one sentence answer. I have a friend who when asked “Aren’t you worried about socialization?” answers “Yes! That’s why I keep them at home.” ☺
I knew that wasn’t the answer you were looking for. Then I started typing this: “For some reason socialization seems to be “the” biggest concern about those who homeschool. I think I can see why. Some have met homeschoolers who are awkward or weird or shy or geeky or …..well the list could go on. Truth be told I have met those homeschoolers too. I have also met public schooled children {and adults} who also fit those adjectives but for some reason public schooling is never to blame in those situations. Why is that?”
Going the whiny, whiny route wouldn’t be good either. Two strikes! I hope the third try is a charm.
Socialization. What is meant by that anyway? I think that is why I am having a hard time writing this post. People mean different things when asking about socialization.
Some are really asking “Who will your children interact with if they are home all day? Won’t they be lonely?” {That’s actually called socializing}
Others are really asking “How will they learn to interact with others if they are home all day?” {In other words how will they be prepared for the ‘real world’}
And there’s the basic definition. Dictionary.com defines socialization as “a continuing process whereby an individual acquires a personal identity and learns the norms, values, behavior, and social skills appropriate to his or her social position.”
First let’s look at the typical day for a public schooled child vs. a homeschooled child.
Public School
Get up,
Get dressed,
Eat breakfast
Go to school
Spend seven hours with about 30 other children the same age and a teacher {two if you are lucky} with a break for lunch and recess
Come home, do homework
Music lessons or sports or both
Play with friends
Eat dinner
Go to bed
Homeschooled Child
Get Up
Get Dressed
Eat breakfast
Do school
Some days it’s all at home, other days there are field trips {homeschoolers LOVE field trips}, or co-op classes with other homeschoolers
Eat lunch
Free time until friend get out of school
Music lessons or sports or both
Play with friends
Eat dinner
Go to bed
Obviously these are very basic outlines. Do you see how similar their days are? The biggest difference is where they do their schooling and with whom they are associating during those times. Public schooled children spend the majority of their time with a teacher and about 30 other people their same age. Homeschooled children spend the majority of their time with family, but also other children {of all age ranges} and adults.
Because of all the similarities then the questions about socialization can be reduced to: Whom do homeschooled children interact with? How do they learn to interact with others? And what do we want them to learn anyway?
Let’s start with the last question first. What do I want my children to learn? {this is just a short list but you get the idea}
- to treat others with respect
- engage in conversation with anyone of any age
- how to make friends
- how to keep friends
- how to cooperate with others
- polite manners
- how to handle difficult situations or people {bullying, discrimination, etc.}
- to hold tightly to the moral values they have and not be swayed by others
- to be responsible for their actions
- to relate with others who are different than they are
Now who is responsible for teaching these to my children? How do they learn to interact with others? When the question of socialization is brought up to homeschoolers there is an underlying thought that goes unsaid whether the person asking it realizes it or not. The implied thought is, “The public school is the best/only place for a child to be socialized. I believe this or I wouldn’t be asking the question in the first place.”
I tried looking up socialization in older pre-1900 dictionaries. The word didn’t exist, which leaves me to wonder, much like the teenager thing, how society has changed in the last 100 years and skewed our thinking that in order for a child to be ‘socialized’ it must be done in a school setting with 30 other children their same age and one or two adult figures present for 7 hours a day 5 days a week for 12 years.
Going back to my whiny, whiny paragraph above I think it is safe to say that most social skills are learned from the parents anyway, regardless of where they are schooled. If you look at young adults {I’m not using children as an example because they are still young and learning} you will find for the most part they behave in public much like their parents do. If there is a young woman who likes to talk a lot during a lesson at church I can almost guarantee if you peek in at her mother in a different class she will be doing the same thing. Have a young man who likes to cut up in class making ‘smart’ remarks? His dad probably does the same.
Socialization is going to happen no matter where you are, whether at home or at school or in the community. The quality of that socialization is what differs and it is up to parents to make sure that no matter where their kids are they have the necessary skills to interact effectively with others. Which leads to the last question {or the first}. Whom do homeschooled children interact with?
One misconception about homeschoolers is that they stay at home all day, every day. They don’t! Most are a part of homeschool co-ops where they get together with other homeschoolers of all ages to learn together. Usually a parent or two teaches mini classes. Homeschooled children are actually exposed to more ages of children and more adults {authority figures} than public schooled children are. Doesn’t that sound more like “the real world” to you?
Back to your original question, are you overreacting and worrying too much about it? Yes! No matter where your children are educated – public or home – there are ample opportunities to learn to get along with other people and plenty of examples to look to, the best example being you.
This question was one of many asked in the Q&A: Homeschool Edition post earlier this year.
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Great post. I totally agree with everything you had to say!
Love it. My kids are learning so much more about interacting with others now that we are doing it our own way.
very nice post!!! I must admit though that I am in agreement with your very first statement. Yes, I am worried about socialization and that’s why I keep my children home!!! lol.
I think the reason you didn’t find the word socialization in the early dictionary is becsusr the root of the word is socialism, which didn’t become mainstream till the turn of the century. Despite all of the US opposition to things like socialized health care, we already have a very socialist education system, when you think about the question that way it really changes your perspective! What exactly are our kids being “socialized” for?
Speaking as the one who asked the question in the first place, I appreciate you addressing the topic. I recognize that this is a sensitive issue for homeschoolers and how annoying it must be! I absolutely agree that the common misperception (that public school is the only place for kids to learn to socialize with others) is completely bogus and obnoxious. Not all of us public-schoolers feel that way. I feel like I am constantly fighting against the “socialization” of public school. So I think this is an issue that applies to everyone, regardless of how they are educated. You referred to pre-1900’s society – is it possible that social niceties, once the norm in our society, are dead now NOT because of public education but because of overall changes in our world today? Manners, courtesy, respect, and chivalry are on the verge of extinction, replaced by selfishness, individual “freedoms”, and so-called “tolerance” for others.
You absolutely hit the nail on the head when you said that kids learn their social skills from their parents. Ding ding ding! As a good homeschooling friend of mine says, “Kids will always turn out as weird as their parents!” :o) Looking back, I would have worded my question differently. I want to know how I can create an environment in my home to help my kids learn lots of good, old-fashioned, positive social skills! You said in your post, “The quality of that socialization is what differs and it is up to parents to make sure that no matter where their kids are they have the necessary skills to interact effectively with others.” YES!! So how do we achieve that?! I think we all, public and home schoolers alike, could use more direction and resources in this area. This is what I was looking for, though I understand completely how the topic of “socialization” automatically puts any homeschooler on the defensive! :o)
Thanks, Angie for your comment. I told my girls “I have no idea why I am having such a hard time writing this darn post!” I think it’s because I don’t want to offend anyone which is easy to do especially with written word and you can’t hear how a person is saying it. I have a very sarcastic sense of humor which can be funny when heard but I’ve found doesn’t translate well in writing!
Once I wrote out a typical day for each schooling method it was easier. Really the only difference is those few hours in the middle of the day {which for some reason I never realized before, duh!}.
I like what your friend says. So true, so true.
You asked about how to create that environment in the home where they can learn. I think the biggest is by example of both parents. Of course there’s more to it than that but that is probably the biggest key. If we are always yelling at our kids, getting angry, showing impatience, forgetting to use polite words ourselves what do you think the kids are going to do? Hmmm..this would be a good idea to explore further {another post?}.
This is very well written and addresses the real questions we should be asking ourselves. Thanks!
I felt like this was a kind of defensive post- but I understand that as it’s surely difficult to deal with all the comments from the non-homeschooling crowd. I don’t think public school is “the way” to be socialized and I’ll be homeschooling next year. Yet, for me there’s more to it than- “Go ahead and homeschool, your kids will be fine socially!”
I’m shy and a homebody- so is my husband. We have the potential to create a social problem for our kids because we just don’t get out much. I don’t want to put the kids in sports or swim lessons. We don’t live near other kids. Is having my kids go to church for 3 hours a week enough socializing? I have realized for myself that I will have to really push out of my comfort zone and make sure my kids have opportunities to get to know people in our community through co-ops, group homeschool activities, etc. as well as being involved in church activities.
I think I would have asked the question differently too. I would have asked questions like this, “What are some specific ways you teach your children good social skills?” “Do you have many opportunities living so far from others to be involved in social activities?” “How do you help kids learn to deal with different points of view like they will experience when they go off to college or move out into the world on their own?”
I remember in High School feeling like I learned a lot socially- but not during school. It was that I made friends at school and then spent time with groups of friends and with their families outside of school hours and I learned a lot there. I would be surprised when I learned about the ways different families interacted and their different values and traditions. I might even embarrass myself occasionally by doing something that was a “no-no” at their house. (Nothing bad, just kinda different.) When I lived with roommates in college I learned just how bad I was at dealing with different people and their ways of living and their viewpoints. I didn’t argue or have huge problems- I just kind of floundered not knowing the best way to deal with issues. How do we learn about the ways different families live, how do we learn positive ways to react when our beliefs are challenged, how do we learn to accept and value differing viewpoints and how do we learn to live with people who are completely different from us if we spend our whole lives with just our family and don’t get out a little? I’m not saying it’s impossible, I’m honestly asking how. It wasn’t until I became an adult and lived away from home for many years that I finally recognized some flaws in my family and decided I wanted to try to do a few things differently. How do you step back and recognize faults and family quirks if you don’t get out much? Don’t we all know a homeschooling family where the parents a a bit socially backwards and so are the kids? How can those kids get the chance to break free from a somewhat negative cycle if they are always at home being indoctrinated with their parent’s beliefs and lifestyle?
Truly, we as parents need to recognize some of our shortcomings and work on them and continually try to broaden our horizons so we can help our kids do the same. I just think socialization isn’t something to be blown off as overrated. Also, we don’t have to look to public school as the ideal for socialization. But where do we look? What is the ideal and how do we work on it and implement it in our homes?
Sorry for the everlastingly long comment- but I think those are the kinds of things Angie and I were asking. ( :
Oooo lots of good questions, Holly! And I can definitely write a more positive post answering those. 🙂
Learning to get along with others is a life long pursuit – as you’ve demonstrated here. There are things we can teach our children to help them when faced with different social situations but there are a lot of situations they just won’t face until they are older and no matter how “prepared” they may be it will still be difficult.
You asked about the ideal. The family IS the ideal, has been from the beginning. Another point that can definitely be fleshed out better in a post rather than a comment.
I love it this is a great way to answer all the questions I get all the time. Funny thing is I have had people say, “kids need to have hard knocks” “kids need to be made fun of” I was thinking what. I decided to pull my kids out of public school in 2010. I thought I would get support from my friends. My oldest has autism, my daughter was getting bullied because of glasses and braces. So I homeschool all 5 of mine at home! Love it and they don’t want to return to public school. Thanks for writing this.
Krista
My kids all go to a traditional school now, but at one time, I pulled one of my sons out of public schools to be homeschooled during his junior high days. I felt bad because I was one of those that used to feel like homeschool kids were freaks. Not so anymore. my son happen score a perfect score on his standardized test for math that year. I felt like we did so much better at home than he ever did at school. As for the social, there were many people in our church boundaries that homeschooled and found out that they met for what they called were “fieldtrips” every other friday. Each family was incharge of planning an activity and we all met and the kids had a blast. We would meet at the church or a local park. My son still has friendships with that group and has even asked a time or two to be homeschooled again.
Thank you for this article. It reminded me of another great article: Weird Homeschooler: Myth or Fact http://littleblueschool.blogspot.com/2009/03/weird-homeschooler-myth-or-fact.html
Something I really enjoy doing for my kids is setting up co-ops. When I have set up co-ops in the past I invited those families who I felt comfortable having my children around. The families may have had different views and opinions about life than we did, but they shared the same positive behaviors and attitudes that I felt were important if they were going to be around my kids.
When I took child development classes in college one of the things that I remember the most was the stages of cultural influences in kids’ lives. While the parent always has a role in the influence of their children and a child’s behavior is often a reflection of their home and environment they’re raised in, who the kids are primarily influenced by changes (at least as was stated by this theory) and I think it makes sense as kids spend more of their time away from their home. Up to the preschool years it is primarily the home and family. In early childhood it changes to their school and friends. In adolescents it’s their immediate peer group.
I’m always grateful that our home, extended family and friends are still the greatest influence in my kids’ lives.
Sometimes, when I’ve felt a little snarky, I’ve given some reply about my kids not living in a closet. Of course we all want the best for our kids and we know the value of their ability to interact with others. I think it’s often just sharing with others who are concerned or curious how we go about it differently and that our kids will turn out ok.
Great post! Having done both homeschooling and public schooling now, I fully agree with the statement that PARENTS are responsible for proper “socialization”. Period. Because if you’ve ever walked the halls of public schools (especially middle and high schools) and heard how the kids there “socialize” I’m sure you’ve wondered why anyone would ever, EVER be worried about the “socialization” of home schooled kids. The social environment in schools is TOUGH. It can be really hard on the soul. I could relate to Angie’s statement: “I feel like I am constantly fighting against the ‘socialization’ of public school.” It can be just crazy!
Home school or public school or whatever school – no matter what you choose, the truth of the matter is WE THE PARENTS MUST teach our children how to behave and how to live and what to do and how to use the information and skills they’re taught. No one else will do it right. Shyness, awkwardness, naivety…many people will have issues with these things – and far more – NO MATTER WHERE they receive their education. One venue is not better than another for learning social skills or making friends. They’re just different, with different advantages and different challenges that are dealt with accordingly.
In my opinion, the “socialization” question is moot. It should not be a concern. It is, frankly, a silly question. (No offense, Angie.)
I enjoyed this post and the comments I’ve read. I get a lot of discussion from friends about the socialization aspect of homeschooling. I think the argument for public school about socialization that irks me the most is this: “I want my child to learn early on, when they are young, that there are nice and not nice people and how to deal with the not nice people. I want them to be able to stand up for themselves and their beliefs so they will be ready when they are older to do just that. Also, that they will have people they don’t get along with in their life and they will have to learn how to deal with those people. These things just can’t be learned if your child is homeschooled.” Really? So you get along with your siblings and parents every second of every day? You’ve never had to learn how to repair a broken relationship with someone in your family? A relationship you are trying to make last for eternity? My response was that as an adult I choose my environment. I choose who I spend time with and who I don’t spend time with. I chose my educational path to provide me with job opportunities where I could choose my work environment and feel at liberty to change jobs if it wasn’t a good fit. I don’t want my children to think they are stuck with a job or a bad influence in their life with no ability to change their situation. I want them stand up for themselves and their beliefs by knowing they can walk away from a bad situation and go to a better one. But most of all, I don’t think children should be left on their own at 3 or 4 in a classroom with a teacher who may not share our same values about behavior and worth of individuals to stand up for themselves. This has been festering for a while with no outlet. Sorry it was long and disjointed.
I had eight kids–socialization problem solved!!
Just kidding. I do hate this question though. People so rarely stop and ask themselves what socialization means, who came up with the idea “appropriate socialization,” what people did before public school existed to be properly socialized, and what the end goal is for all adults and how much school socialization helps people achieve what they want out of adulthood. It is a made up problem!!!! Or, in other words, there isn’t a problem with socialization because socialization isn’t actually a thing. If you are going to worry about how homeschooling is going to play out for you–worry about the real things like who is going to keep the toddler from stuffing 14 rolls of toilet paper into the toilet while you are helping someone with math. 🙂