My monthly family calendar reminds me of an air traffic control tower, with four kids circling around waiting to land, taking off late and trying to avoid mid-air collisions. Just like every other family I know, our schedule is intense. I think that finding the right balance has never been more difficult! There are so many sports, clubs, musical pursuits, and other healthy activities available. It can be so hard to say no, especially when the kids come home from school with enticing flyers and promises that all of their friends are involved.
There’s one tough truth that finally set me free from the crazy schedules and competition that dominates child rearing in this generation. It is this: sometimes we must choose to sacrifice trophies, recognition, and prestige for less visible, less public success like happy, balanced kids and a well-connected family. Sometimes the most courageous choice we can make for our children is to allow them to be average.
It’s really hard to hear, isn’t it? What everyone wants is a simple schedule without any of the consequences, without giving up anything. We want our kids to start on the soccer team without year round daily practice, weights twice a week, and four games every weekend. We want our daughter to get straight A’s without studying for three hours a night, attending AP Bio labs every weekend, and canceling family vacations for test prep.
But we just can’t have it all! It’s true that choosing to quit a sport or hobby sometimes feels like saying no to a possibility, shutting down a dream. However, with few exceptions, a world-class violinist is not going to have time to win the national spelling bee! Part of growing up is starting to decide which dreams to follow, and choosing one means not choosing another.
Choosing one big success instead of another big success is a nice problem to have. But what parents rarely talk about honestly is that sometimes the trade off is either a happy kid or a kid who plays baseball on a competitive team. Sometimes we really have to give up on a time-consuming dance troupe, no matter how much talent the child shows, to give that child time to meet with tutors and make it through 7th grade.
As a parent, I’ve encountered no tougher decision than to have kids who are sometimes mediocre by the standards of resumes and trophies, but happy and thriving emotionally and spiritually. I would love to have my son start on the basketball team, but I am ecstatic that he is getting enough sleep to enjoy seminary, joining us for family dinner instead of working out at basketball practice, and spending more time studying. In spite of pressure that we’ve felt from coaches and friends to keep playing, “average” has definitely been the right choice for my son.
Another example of this kind of sacrifice unfolded in the lives of a close family friend last year. I watched as my friend, a wise, attentive mother, let go of her GPA goal for her 8th grader and settled for more average grades and a happier, open relationship with her daughter. She found ways to connect with her child that didn’t have to do with school assignments. Those grades may stay average, but their relationship is going to carry them both through a lifetime.
Over and over again, I see rewards for sacrificing perfection and visible success for a blend of balance and healthy family relationships. I think this is the true definition of giving up good for best.
That’s the message I am anxious to share today. Choosing to simplify outside activities obviously means that we have to choose. In the long term, a balanced, happy family will pay far more dividends than a trophy or scholarship ever could. Sometimes average is the best choice.
Rachel Evans Davis
A lifelong Mormon, I have a passion for making a home wherever I live. I have moved from 20 different homes, in six different states, in three different countries with no end in sight. I currently live in sunny Southern California with my husband and four sons. I love celebrations, from simple to elaborate, especially when they commemorate faithful milestones and events.
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I work hard to keep our outside commitments to a minimum so that we can have good time together as a family and not get so tied up in the pursuit of excellence that we lose one another. My kids, though (seven of them ages 2 to 14 with another on the way), are another story. They feel that they’re being left behind and left out of all of the good stuff their friends are doing. They have no perspective or testimony that helps them handle feeling not only average but below average. My husband and I have taught them to pray over it; we counsel together; we discuss limitations and priorities. But still remains a terrible sense of dissatisfaction in their hearts which, in turn, hurts mine. There are lots of moms encouraging one another in this area, but what do other kids think?
That seems a difficult balance. I only have younger children, where outside activities are not so much of an issue yet. But, you don’t want kids to resent their families because “good family time” (which I TOTALLY believe is important) is more important than each child, as an individual. You don’t want all your hard effort in creating a happy family to be wasted and backfire on you. Maybe when each child turns a certain age, he or she gets to pick out one activity per year–maybe a soccer season in the fall for one child, a set of art lessons for another. If you the activities are staggered, maybe it would be manageable. I don’t know the answer for you or your family, but keep thinking on it! Talk to them to see if you can figure out the most important desires. In time, I really believe an answer will come.
A great blog post. It is so hard to let some things go when you want your children to have every opportunity. It was a good reminder that their happiness is more important than worldly success.
Anne– I bet we could talk about this together for hours!
Underlying this whole issue is the fundamental doctrine that each person has inherent value and worth that is not dependent on any achievement, accomplishment, calling, activity, or certificate. I really believe this truth, but helping our children feel and know this about themselves is such a difficult task!
I really love this related quote: Your Heavenly Father loves you—each of you. That love never changes. It is not influenced by your appearance, by your possessions, or by the amount of money you have in your bank account. It is not changed by your talents and abilities.
Thomas S. Monson, Ensign, October 2013
It’s definitely a balance! I definitely think it’s ok to nurture and support our children toward excellence, but we have to be real about what we’re trading for that pursuit.
Blessings to you and your family!
THANK YOU! For actually saying in print what’s been in my thoughts. We have let go of piano for the year because my mediocre swimmer really wants to just swim. She’s a better pianist than she is a swimmer, but the swimming makes her joyful. I will take the happy over the high achievement any day. And, as an added bonus, she has to learn how to deal with not excelling at this sport of her choice. She’s learning she can be happy doing something she enjoys and not being THE BEST EVER. A great lesson!