Husband, father, son, brother, Bishop, Scout leader, neighbor, friend. These are a few of the labels that define me. These are all roles that have helped me gain deeper understanding and appreciation of the doctrines contained in The Family: A Proclamation to the World. It’s a document that has literally shaped my life, and I am blessed by it daily. To me, the most meaningful phrase from The Proclamation is “marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and the family is central to the Creator’s plan for the eternal destiny of His children.”
There’s another label that shapes who I am, but one that might seem to conflict with the picture I just painted. That is I experience same-sex attraction. It’s something I have been aware of since I was very young, but I’ve also known since I was very young that I wanted to marry and raise a family. When I joined the Church as a young adult, I found the answers to the questions I’d always had about God’s plan for man and the importance of the family. The restored gospel also helped me to begin to reconcile my feelings (in regard to my attractions) and my new faith.
2015 has been a historic year in American society. The Supreme Court of the United States ruled on same-sex marriage. The Boy Scouts of America dissolved the ban on openly-gay leaders. Thankfully, Church leaders have issued statements on both matters that provide guidance, reassurance, and insight. This past summer, bishops and branch presidents led discussions on the doctrine of traditional marriage using an outline published by the Church. There has been much discussion on social media and in the hallways at Church on the issue of same-sex attraction; some of it has been healthy, and some of it has not.
So you may wonder, how does a man who is married, has children, holds the Priesthood and a temple recommend, and who has served as a bishop reconcile the doctrine on the family with feelings of same-sex attraction. Believe me, I wonder that myself. These are a few of my thoughts on that very question in an attempt to create a dialogue on this intersection of faith and feelings.
Be aware that there are active members of the Church who are same-sex attracted
There are likely active members of your ward who are either gay/lesbian/bisexual, or who have family members who are. When discussing the family and the Church’s position on traditional marriage, let us be mindful and respectful. For faithful Church members who experience these feelings, remaining in the Church can be a challenging thing, and it is so reassuring to attend Church when genuine compassion and empathy can be felt. Many of us have felt lifelong shame for feeling these attractions, and nothing is harder than coming to Church in hopes of feeling and finding hope only to hear comments that convey a “those people” type attitude. “Hate the sin, love the sinner” conversations can actually be quite hurtful. “I love all of God’s children, unconditionally” is so much better. We never know what burdens someone else is carrying, or just how hard they are trying to live faithfully.
Study the words of the prophets on the subject
The Church’s official website on the topic, Mormons and Gays, is a wonderful source of information on the Church’s teachings in regard to same-sex attraction and the family. From the website: “The experience of same-sex attraction is a complex reality for many people. The attraction itself is not a sin, but acting on it is. Even though individuals do not choose to have such attractions, they do choose how to respond to them. With love and understanding, the Church reaches out to all God’s children, including our gay and lesbian brothers and sisters.” For me, knowing that the Lord does not view my natural attractions as a sin has helped alleviate much of the shame I have carried for years. It gives me hope that as I continue to live true to my covenants, I am entitled to all the temporal and eternal blessings He has promised.
Gay members of the Church are very aware of the doctrines contained in The Proclamation
As I have become acquainted with other members of the Church who experience feelings of same-sex attraction, it has occurred to me that perhaps no other group of Latter-day Saints understands the Proclamation more intimately. For some like me, temple marriage has been a blessing we’ve received in this life. No one is more important to me than my wife and children. My wife is my biggest cheerleader, and is a source of great strength to me in regard to this challenge. She teaches me so much about the meaning of being a helpmeet. And because I know what the world’s alternative would have been for me, The Proclamation holds deeply eternal meaning for us. For others, marriage in this life may not be an option. Marriage should not be suggested as a solution to “fix” same-sex attraction. President Hinckley said “Marriage should not be viewed as a therapeutic step to solve problems such as homosexual inclinations or practices.”1 Imagine wanting one of the most important eternal blessing promised by a loving Heavenly Father to His children, and due to challenges in this life, not having it within reach. Then imagine living faithfully to baptismal, priesthood, and temple covenants in spite of those challenges. For that reason, brothers and sisters in the gospel who experience same-sex attraction are people that I honor, respect, and pray for because of their obedience and example.
There are more lessons I have learned about the family because of this trial in my life. Many times I have felt like Paul, and prayed, wished, pleaded, and hoped that this “thorn in my side” would be removed. I often think of the Savior in the Garden, asking if His cup might be removed. As I strive to live worthily and focus on being the best husband and father I can, I know that He loves me and He knows my struggles. It is my hope that our wards will be loving and compassionate families, especially for those members who experience same-sex attraction, especially when we discuss the doctrines of marriage and the family. Elder Quinton L. Cook’s counsel describes it best: “As a church, nobody should be more loving and compassionate. Let us be at the forefront in terms of expressing love, compassion and outreach.”
Author Bio:
Chris Staggs is a convert to the Church as a young adult, served a two-year mission abroad, and married THE girl of his dreams in the Temple. They have several children and live in the Midwest where he has served as a Young Men President, Bishop, and in stake callings.
This post came into my email this morning on the last day of our Family Proclamation Celebration. It is a much needed addition to our celebration! I am thankful the author took time to write it and share his experience and insights with all of us.
Awesome post.
Great testimony!
This is a helpful post for people who have never had to think about this topic in personal ways.
For those for whom it is a more present issue, could the author please share whether he is bisexual or gay? If asked for advice, would he give different advice to members of the Church depending on whether they are bisexual or gay?
If someone needs additional resources besides the church website mormonsandgays, what would he recommend?
Thank you.
Here is the author’s response to your questions.
“Thank you for your question! My response to your question of whether I would offer different advice to someone who identifies as bisexual vs. gay/lesbian, I don’t think I would. Ultimately, it’s less an issue of labels and more about the feelings of attraction to someone of the same gender. In my experience, those attractions are fluid, meaning at times in my life I felt zero attraction for women, but in the case of my wife, I felt an instant attraction to her and we have a wonderful and fulfilling relationship. Everyone’s experience is different. I don’t refer to myself using the terms ‘gay’ or ‘bisexual’ because I consider my identity to be much more than my physical attractions. I am very comfortable saying I ‘experience same-sex attraction’ because it describes the feelings I have rather than who I am as a person.
“Your question about additional resources is great. I think all members of the Church can gain much insight and understanding by visiting http://www.ldsvoicesofhope.org. There you will find a collection of video stories and written essays by individuals, couples, and parents whose lives are touched in some way by same-sex attraction. They share candid and beautiful testimonies of how this trial in life ultimately blesses their lives. North Star is a faith-affirming organization that provides valuable resources and tools for LDS individuals, family/friends, and Church leaders. It can be found at http://www.northstarlds.org.”
Thank you!
Wow! Awesome post! Hats off to the author! 🙂 I wish I had understood the things mentioned in this post in my youth, so I could have been a positive support to friends who may have struggled with same sex attraction and been afraid to admit it, as friends like me who would have been loving and suportive (given understanding to be able to) could not. It wasn’t discussed. And it could not be, until good people gaines the courage to Pioneer an intilectual path and do so. HOW I WISH I had understood!!!! My attitude and responses on the subject would have been helpful and kind… if I were not ignorant on the subject. I thank the author for this post and send my love. I pray that the world will grow in understanding soon, and that everyone will feel comfortable with their differences with others, and feel fully loved and accepted and as much a part of each social group as any other. We must learn that sameness is not oneness.
Excellent post! Spot on! Thank you for sharing this. God bless you, your wife and family.
What a BEAUTIFUL, heartfelt message! This brother has helped me view this issue with more tenderness and awareness for the feelings of others. I am grateful for his courage in sharing his struggles, and that you included it in your blog. THANK YOU!!!
Thank you to the author of this post and thank you for sharing it!!
Thank you for this post. I am very impressed with this author. My sister, 15 months younger than me, began to act on her feelings of same-sex attraction when she was in high school and she left the church her senior year and has not come back these past 20 years. Last year she married her partner, and it has been a huge and emotional journey to figure out how to live with her choices and maintain our close family relationships, including what to tell our five children. We have been very open and honest and have had a lot of discussions about the family proclamation, especially before and after going to their wedding. Thank you, to this author, for sharing his experiences and for providing such a great example. Thank you for the resources too.
Good article. There is something I wish those that state they have “same sex attraction” would explain. What do they really mean by that statement? I really do not understand.
I was in a conversation with a friend of mine who’s brother is gay and into the entire lifestyle. He was trying to tell me how he was explaining his bother’s situation to his daughters. We did have some difference of opinion on the matter but I then I made the statement, “I don’t understand what they mean when they say they have same sex attraction”.
He said ,”Well, he is attracted to men like you are attracted to your wife.” I thought for a second and said, “No that is not true”. I told him I was attracted to my wife physically, she was and is pretty. She was serving as the YW president in our ward and I liked how she taught the gospel to them, I liked how she dealt with children, how she obeyed the commandments and kept her covenants. I thought she would be a great wife and mother and supporter of me to help me keep my covenants and as a family return to our Father in Heaven. How she liked to read Church books and have discussions on Gospel topics. I knew she would be a great, grandmother.
My friend paused and said, “I see what you mean”. And then he said, “I don’t really know unless it is a sexual attraction” ie. He wants to, at some point, have sex with the males he is attracted to”.
All men have friends that are male. Some are buddies you watch football with, sing with, work with . . . brothers who believe like you do and like the stuff you like. I have friends like that. For example: I have some that we can talk soccer and teams and players with. My wife does not care for soccer so during soccer time on Saturday she is not around but I may get together with these friends. We have a great time. We encourage each other to live the commandments, go to the temple and be good fathers.
But I do not have sexual thoughts about them.
I have daughters and sisters in law and friends that are women. We have great discussions on all kinds of topics and even some sports and I enjoy seeing them and talking to them. We talk about genealogy and their families and food and going to the temple. We encourage each other.
But I do not have sexual thoughts about them.
I know young women and young men who are keeping their covenants. Some have gone to the temple some have not yet gone. They know what they need to do to keep their covenants. They talk with each other, enjoy activities, encourage each other. They do not seem to be around members of the opposite sex with the idea that at some point they are going to have sex with them.
People of the same sex can be friends, very close friends and in no way are they homosexual.
It is not my paradigm. It is not the paradigm of the folks I know and interact with. I understand we ALL have struggles with things. Some are complainers and are working on it (ehem, me included). Some should go to the temple more, be better fathers, better neighbors, be better at not judging yourself, . . . better at a lot of things. Some have more difficult issues. Despite all of those things, I don’t see blogs and media attention to “Good father, priesthood leader, friend . . . complainer, or chocaholic”
I guess we just keep our covenants and go forward. But I don’t understand what they mean.
Sorry to take so long to leave a reply. I would respond to Peter in this way. When you described how you are attracted to your wife, you began with the statement, ” I told him I was attracted to my wife physically, she was and is pretty. ” What you wrote after that sentence doesn’t matter because the woman who became your wife was not any of those things when you first met her, as far as you knew. In the same way, when a young man with ssa sees an attractive fellow, he experiences feelings such as you did when first meeting your wife. He would not have your reaction to a pretty young woman, as he is for the most part unable to have those emotional responses. You cannot understand it because he has years of background that led to his current emotional state, of which you have no knowledge. It’s that background that you cannot conceive of. On the surface it’s just what it’s called – same sex attraction. Most men develop to be opposite sex attracted, but there has always been a minority who are attracted emotionally and physically to their own sex. The trauma, abuse, shame, etc. that led up to a young man’s emotional state are quite invisible, but they are real. Hence, the need for kindness, love, and at least an attempt at understanding that leaves all judgment to God.