I was far beyond the power of prayer, I said,
past any fervent plea or desperate hope.
I stood within a place of solemn dread –
A black, sad land
no wider than one soul, my own.
Yet, in that narrow way
there crept, somehow a murmured sound,
A throb of thought that whispered “pray”.
And somehow doubting heart, resisting soul
re-found their way to prayer.
Then Courage, Faith, Strive On
oh many words were there.
And God’s own gentle peace in all and everywhere.
And this I learned from out numbed thought,
from bleak and black despair.
There is no night too dark, no space too small
no void too vast:
There is no point beyond the power of prayer.
By Betty Gibbs Ventura
This poem, written by my paternal grandmother, has been on my mind lately as I help a friend through a rough patch. I thought it was something that should be shared. Maybe it will help you or someone you know?
I don’t know much personally about mental illness other than I know it exists and is very real. I don’t suffer from depression. Never have. I have been lucky, even with all the times I have given birth, to not even suffer with postpartum depression. Why? I don’t know. I realize that is rare given how many children I have. It doesn’t mean I’m bouncing-off-the-walls happy all the time. I have my moments, just like you, of sadness or setbacks. They usually don’t last very long though.
I do have many friends and family members who have depression or some type of mental illness. Some are more open about it than others. I know I have made many, many mistakes in things I have said or done when talking or interacting with them. I’m still learning. Thankfully, these friends and family members have shown great patience with me as I continue to try to understand in some measure what they are going through. This article, Easing the Burdens of Mental Illness, has been extremely helpful as well.
If you suffer from depression or other mental illness what are some ways that others can help you? What are some things that are not helpful?
Thanks for sharing.
Fighting depression is like fighting a physical illness–you can’t just make yourself better by praying or willing it so. Of course prayer is ALWAYS a good idea, but sometimes in a depression there isn’t any solace. It’s the act of obedience–like attending church with an active 1 year old–you get nothing out of it at the time, but the habit of obedience is important–that is a blessing in that case. Once I’m past the depression, then I can look back and see what I was blind to at the time, and my testimony is strengthened, but there is no light at the time.
The habit of obedience – I like that! It can apply to so many situations in life. Thank you for the analogy too. That has been my church experience for the last 7 1/2 years! Having a baby or toddler to wrangle on my own because of my husband’s duties as a bishop.
Anne put it exactly. This poem perfectly describes the numbing darkness that is depression, but there are many times I pray in that darkness and find no solace. There is no feeling. It is very difficult, if not impossible at times to even feel the Holy Ghost. Isn’t that awful – to be separated from the Spirit for no reason beyond brain chemicals? However, I have learned how deep my testimony goes. Even when I feel nothing for a very long time, I know. Knowing gets me through, even though I am praying desperately to feel.
One of the hardest things about depression is how isolating it is. Through my battle, I have lost closeness with all of my friends and even my extended family. I tend to collapse into myself, and I guess others don’t know how to deal that. I don’t blame them, I blame myself. But there’s a lot of self-blame in depression, which is unfortunate. When was the last time you heard a cancer patient blaming themselves for their disease?
This is just my opinion, but people with depression just need a listening ear. They need that shoulder to cry on. They DON’T need to be judged. They don’t need to be preached to or told to “look on the bright side.” They need their feelings to be validated. Every. Time. They need friends and family who will stay by their side even when they are at their most prickly and unlovable. And they should never be left alone. Always and often check in on them with a sincere and listening ear. They need to feel like real people. I know I am a real person on the inside, with dreams, ambitions, and a great potential. I am also a person who battles depression, but I don’t want that to define me.
Mothers are the center of their home and when a mother struggles with depression it is going to deeply affect her family. Her husband is going to carry many extra burdens. Her children may need more personal attention and affection that they may be getting. Look for ways to ease a mother’s burden. Homemaking tasks are 10 times heavier, so a meal brought in is truly helpful. Tending her children so she can have some quiet time, or so she can go to her Dr. appointments would be a blessing. But be sensitive and careful not to make her feel judged or incapable.
So well said. Thank you.
Oh thank you for all the great advice! Reading the article on depression in the February Ensign opened my eyes to the huge numbing effect depression can have on people and their ability to even feel the spirit. I can’t even imagine how hard that would be.
It’s interesting what you say about mothers battling depression. Reading your comment has opened my eyes to realize that there are a couple of people I know with depression who are excellent at serving others in those very ways – babysitting kids, making meals, paying attention to what needs to be done and DOING it. I wonder if they serve that way because it is so helpful for them to be served in that regard. Does that make sense? I need to pay more attention to those details for sure and offer specific help.
This is really beautiful — even as it paints her despair and depression. So cool that you have this from your grandma.
I had a mental disorder, sort-of and briefly, caused by the incredible hormonal changes brought on by a molar pregnancy. I think everyone should know what a molar pregnancy is so they can be aware of how dangerous it can be to your mental health, but very few people have heard of it. I’m glad it is so rare. I wish more people understood what it was like to go through it.
I’ve had bouts baby blues, but nothing long-lasting until my 7th baby. Then I had postpartum depression and it is a whole different ball of wax. I’m pretty sure my depression was situational. I’d had a very stressful few years and an intensely stressful year during the pregnancy itself and I think my body couldn’t handle everything.
I can’t stress enough how hard it is to do everything when you are depressed. Getting out of bed is a major victory. I love to cook and have been sitting down and making meal plans for years. When I was depressed I would try. I’d pull out my recipe books and then I’d sit there and cry because it felt so, so, so hard to pick a recipe–let alone figure out what I’d need. I resented my children for being hungry all the time, and I accomplished little to nothing–which made me feel worse.
I know that in my family, my parents still won’t acknowledge “depression” as a thing at all–even though my sister, who gets seasonal depression, was suicidal for awhile. I am glad that so many people treat it like an illness instead of a fault. You can’t force your way out of it. It isn’t something you choose.
How to help? I’m not an expert as my experience with depression is limited, but a few things I’ve learned from my own experiences and my sister’s experiences, is that talking about depression without stigma is a huge thing. “You’re struggling with depression. I”m so sorry. I would love to take your kids once a week for two hours so that you can get a break.” No judgement–no waiting for the person to ask for help. My sister encouraged my husband to help me get out of the house, so every day he made sure I took our dog on a walk. That helped a lot. I would have loved help with meals. Even an, “I’m headed to the store. Can I grab anything for you?” would have been nice. Any compliments mean more when I’m depressed, so people not pointing out that my kids were looking a bit more disheveled than normal was great.
I hope your friend feels better soon.
My sister had a molar pregnancy. So not fun!
I’ve noticed many older people still have a stigma about mental illness. It wasn’t talked about in their generation, at least not openly. How hard to have depression and not have family even acknowledge that it is a real thing.
I sought and received depression counseling through LDS Family Services and I couldn’t believe how much that helped! My counselor found that I have thought patterns that lead me into depression, and she gave me a chart of what I should think instead when I notice each kind of negative thought. That chart helped me fix myself, and keep myself (mostly) out of that horrible place.
I know each person’s battle is different, and my simple chart won’t be enough to fix everybody. But I do strongly encourage everyone battling depression to go see a counselor at LDS Family Services and see how much they can help you understand how much God still loves you!
And I’ll second what has been said about meal-planning. For whatever reason, depression makes decision-making very difficult, and meal planning is all decisions! And that’s another reason why depressed people so rarely ask for help, because that is a cascade of decisions. It is so much more helpful to be offered something specific, like a meal or an activity, than to just say “Let me know if there’s anything I can do to help.”
Sometimes, depression makes a person want to withdraw from friends or family, but being around loving friends or family helps to fight it. So making lots of offers of time together, just hanging out or doing a more structured activity, is helpful.
Yes to LDS Family Services! And getting help. Great advice.
I have always been pretty open about my depression because I want people to better understand why I’m acting strangely at times. I think it’s much harder to help people who are depressed when you don’t know that’s what they are struggling with. I’ve mistakenly thought people were just being rude or mean and later realized it was their depression talking.
I don’t know what would really help a person with depression even though it’s something I’ve dealt with plenty. Honestly we probably need a push now and then to keep going and do things that are hard or that we don’t want to do. Of course people who are struggling need some comforting and petting, but then we just need a big boost to keep going! I think if we are allowed to always give in to the depression, it only does us a disservice.
I agree with what others have said- decision making can be so overwhelming. It can be helpful to have someone step in and help you make a menu plan, or decide if putting the kids in soccer is a bad idea, or where to buy some new winter clothes for the kids.
I remember once when I really wanted to get my kids out of the house and involved in something like dance. It seemed so overwhelming and I asked for advice on my blog. The responses I got made me feel like I was just being dumb and worrying too much. Looking back I think it was my depression and anxiety talking and those were why I was devastated by the response I got to my questions. Nobody could know that though. Everything just seems like such a big deal when you’re depressed! It’s probably hard not to just roll your eyes when someone is freaking out about something that seems so simple to you. A lot of love and patience is required!
Overall I think that more open communication is best. Like if a depressed person says something rude that seems out of character, say, “I think you don’t really mean that. Is it just the depression talking? Has today been a rough day?”
Perhaps others don’t feel the same, but I think being open is best. I think there’s more healing when the depressed person and those who love them can all be open about it- just like you would with any other illness.
YES, yes, yes to your first paragraph! The year after we moved my brother-in-law and his wife and family moved here too. She suffers with depression but didn’t want anyone to know. It was so hard to try and field questions from church members and others about her reclusive behavior, etc. She is one of the kindest people you will ever meet but because of the behavior from her depression everyone else was feeling she was stand-offish. Finally my brother-in-law said to just let people know. Whoa! There was a huge difference in what people thought of her and wanting to help. It was much better after they knew what she was dealing with. We really live in a wonderful ward/stake with supportive people (for the most part).
I’ve never met/talked with anyone else who has had a molar pregnancy. I would love to hear your sister’s story. Has she written it down anywhere? Would she like to chat with me?